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[26 Mar 2007|11:50pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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This year feels like it's spinning faster and faster as it gets closer to graduation day.
It's so crazy.
You begin the year with slow days, weeks, and months and then the next thing you know, it's almost as if you're chasing after the moments.
I'm so saddened at the thought that there are people that don't care.
It's so hard to let people in sometimes but once you do, it's done. That wall is broken down and you learn to embrace the intrusion and maybe even depend on it.
I just hate the idea that in a moment, you can be so independent and strong on your own two feet because that's all you know.
But then the moment someone cares, tears down your wall, strips you naked, and takes you for who you are, it's easy to forget the initial fear and almost depend on it.
Then in an instant, it not only leaves you, it pushes you away and what do you do? You cling harder and more desperately. Misunderstandings can be made up but after months of bitterness and separation, you become strangers.
I'm not gonna lie- I miss it more than anything.
Things are better than they have been recently but it's definitely different.
My wall has gone back up and I feel so weathered.
On the bright side, I've grasped the idea that it's fortunate that I got to experience it. I had amazing moments of lazy afternoons talking about nothing and everything. Amazing moments of late night dinner and movies. Amazing moments of realization that someone cares about me and values me for everything I am for all my faults and attributes and everything in between. Amazing moments of just...us and the friendship I valued so much.
Oh and definitely not thrilled to leave my guard. I love them to death. Having babies run up to me and tell me their fears saddens me.
Because they're my fears, too. Like not being able to be out there again, performing and breathing it all in.
colleges, allergies... BOO!
ahhh BOO all over the place. There's so much going on my mind.
and things have been going well for a while. boo.
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[22 Feb 2007|02:02am] |
okay two words:
IT'S BREAK.
god, it's complete heaven being able to wake up in the morning to the warmth of the sun rather than the shrill sound of an alarm at the butt-crack of dawn. It's even more amazing when you wake up to no obligations to fulfill. Well, immediate obligations at least. I can't forget about that stupid research paper I still have to write.
Friday - Starbucks w/ the Burrito and bumped into Hoda then Leslie came over and we looked at the view from my backyard and talked, slept over at Tam's
Saturday - Lunar New Year's Eve + My mama's birthday - Oakland with the familia
Sunday - Sue + Jen came over to catch up, San Francisco w/ the Burrito, Kristie's place to watch a movie
Monday-Wednesday - I don't remember... Probably bummed around with the Burrito. Oh, and I stayed up until 3 or 4am with my mama watching Happy Feet.
I am so ready for senior year now. I feel like maybe now's the moment to breathe. I love it.
Besides, tonight has lifted crap that's been on me for the past few months. I feel so relieved and god, just thankful. I don't even care that I'm missing out on Spring Formal. It's weird but I'm just bummed everyone else is going but I'm so happy right now, I just want to hold on to it as long as I can.
It's late and I gotta get up early tomorrow for lunch with lovefaces. And when I say early, I mean before 2pm.
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[05 Jan 2007|06:37pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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I just realized something right now.
I hate it if people choose to only come to me when they need something. I hate it if that relationship is a one way street. I hate that I'm so insecure about relationships sometimes. I hate that I need you more than you need me.
However, I can't control that. I've gone through that so many times, it doesn't even hurt anymore but I think I've finally gotten it. I don't like it and I don't think it's acceptable but I guess I can accept it? or maybe I have to.
I think what I'm trying to say is, I want to change myself.
It sounds hella lame but I really am thinking about tossing some things about myself out the window because honestly, it brings drama I really hate dealing with.
I feel the need to not be so open, trusting, eager to help. I need to roll down my sleeves and tuck my heart away and build up a new wall. No one likes a nagging, overbearing, motherlike person as a friend.
I'm not going to care as much. I won't call, text, email, try to make plans, whatever as much. If you don't want to spend time with me- that's okay. I'll learn how to not want to spend time with you?
Or I can learn to change my feelings and how I react to them?
I'm so tired of this. I don't mean, "ugh. asdkjhsdgkjhsafg! fuck this shit." I mean I'm physically and emotionally tired of it and I want to give up.
Now I'm waiting to graduate and go to college.
Initially, I was terrified of leaving. I don't mind meeting new people or experiencing new things but it was leaving my closest friends that scared me most. Family is a no-brainer but friends? My friends are my safety blankets. I was afraid of walking out on my own, knowing they couldn't be there behind me all the time anymore.
But at this point, I'm wondering if these people I love and value so much even care back. Maybe this is all for me to let go easier and move on. Make new friends. I'm a dramatic bitch right now. Whatever. I can't be held accountable for the emotions I have, especially when my monthly visitor comes.
And if they don't care back, I'll leave them alone. Please let me know so that I will stop fighting in this lost cause of a battle. I'm exhausted and until then, I'll be waiting for someone to prove to me that I'm worth something.
I'll still be here if you need me but I just won't try as much and hopefully you will all be less annoyed.
But just stop taking it out on me. Stop not being a friend just because you're stressed. I need you and I just wish you'd need me back.
oh god.
I need a fucking pint of ben and jerry's
and some heaters because I feel frostbite is highly possible at this point.
but hey, no more typhoon anymore right?
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[27 Dec 2006|03:29pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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I am officially sick.
I can't breathe and when I try to, I feel like rolling over and passing out.
boo.
Hopefully it'll go away by the time school starts.
But honestly, since it's break and all I've been doing is sleep and eat, and recently, live with boxes and boxes of tissues, homework is revolting to think about doing right now.
I refuse!
Just watch, the night before school resumes, I'll realize how screwed I am.
double boo.
I've been spending a lot of time with family so far and it's been really nice but I'm not gonna lie- I definitely want to see my friends. SO I can't wait until tomorrow! My sister is going to be hanging out with her friends so I can go outtt.
yesssss.
Oh, and Christmas was okay this year.
Well, Christmas and Birthdays are always easily forgotton. But I think that if you don't expect much, it doesnt come out as too big of a disappointment. However, I think it was fantastic in a lot of ways- Anny is home and we had lots of fun cooking up a storm and that's what's ultimately important- family, right?
okay. random but why is there a freaking typhoon right now? Trees are practically flying past my windows.
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[22 Dec 2006|11:04pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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Okay, I don't even know why I fail at updating this but I do.
So it's pretty much heaven right now because it's breakkkkk!
No obligations!
Well, that's a lie but no immediate obligations to fulfill.
SO I guess I can recap right now.
Tuesday:
-Getting stalked by a crazy asian during tutorial and lunch. I think Alex and I were about to hit up slitmywrists.com and jump in the nearest bush or oncoming traffic or something.
-MTheory Club Meeting where leslie, nikki, jessica, and I ate to no end. I was definitely in a food coma. WHICH was such hell since I had just recovered from food poisoning. I guess when you haven't eaten in several days, you want to binge the hell out of life astat.
-one of the most depressing guard rehearsals everrr.
Wednesday
- lunch with my older sister down in Los Gatos Cafe
- HELL [aka the mall] to buy a birthday present in less than an hour. Everyone there was a nightmare. Some rude hippo of a man elbowed me in the boob. I yelled at him and then he called me a teenybopper. Too bad he was like 90. I bet he was just bitter I can still see my feet.
-Went to Amarin Thai to grab dinner with some lovelies for Leslie's 18th bashh.
-Back at Leslie's house to have cake and other snacks and suchh and then slept over.
I don't remember yesterday but I went to Oakland today and had family time with my mom and sister and watched "The Devil Wears Prada" which was okay so I was pretty bummed I missed out on the TwiceOutspoken concert. Boo.
aaanddd I think Kris wants to go out right now? I think the boys wanna play pool? I don't even know right now but I'm sitting here with sweats and my hair tied on top of my head so I am definitely not going out. The public is not ready for this business.
PS.
my house is freaking freezing!
It's an old house with NO heating. The windows don't even shut completely so my sister used plastic wrap to keep the cold air out.
That's living like peasants.
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[13 Dec 2006|11:30pm] |
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mood |
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What Goes Around Comes Around |
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It blows my mind to think of how rude, ignorant, hurtful, cruel, and bitchy people can truly be.
It's natural for people to shed layers and show certain sides of themselves to the world but sometimes it reaches an incredible low.
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| DONE! |
[30 Nov 2006|02:28am] |
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mood |
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I FINALLY FINISHED ALL OF MY COLLEGE APPLICATIONS.
bee-chez.
I feel free. I wish it was warm enough for me to run around in my underwear in celebration.
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| The end. |
[21 Nov 2006|12:07am] |
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I wish I could have posted the moment I got off the field because how I felt in that moment Saturday night AND Sunday afternoon was absolutely indescribable. I guess it can never be amounted in words.
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[17 Nov 2006|10:03pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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Tomorrow we're heading off to Fresno and it's going to be the last field show of the season.
My last field show, ever.
To be honest, I'm a bit indifferent at the moment but I know that at the end of it all, it'll change. There definitely have been moments when I felt like giving up or just screaming my face off in frustration.
There have been moments that were pretty shitty and others that have been amazing but overall, you know you're going to miss it.
So I've been struggling a little with my back lately. I'm hoping tomorrow won't end up in tears. Twice is beyond embarrassing.
ackkk and I've missed 2 days of school. SO I have a buttload of work to catch up on AND do the work that's due when I get back AND try to get a good move on applications.
oh boo.
Taking it one day at a time.
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[14 Nov 2006|11:34pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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Tomorrow will be my very last Wednesday morning rehearsal.
Crazy business!
I'm kind of excited- I'll finally be able to sleep in with the rest of the world.
Okay, so I know I should be finishing up Doctor Faustus but it's sooo boringgggg.
I feel like I have the attention span of a stump or something because I can't take it.
Oh, and I am most definitely behind on college applications.
I blame it all on band. Unfortunately once band ends, I have limited time with them still.
absdahjdfssjagf.
I can't wait until it's ALL over and done with.
I also deleted my last entry. Looking back at it, I realized that it was a lie.
I'm not okay with it all and I'm not going to try to change with it. I'm not like that.
I've been trying to accept things for months now and as much as I bitch about it and then say, "It's okay. It's probably my fault. I'll just deal." I know that I'm not convincing anyone, especially not myself.
I thought that maybe after all this band and college stuff ends, it'll get better but who am I kidding? I don't think things will get better or go back to the way they were.
But maybe for a spark of optimism, it'll just show that if we can't maintain something now, it'll definitely die in college. Maybe this is just preparing me for that when the time comes. It won't hurt as much?
It all sounds a bit melodramatic but truth be told, if you're used to holding someone's hand in the dark, you're going to struggle a bit walking alone.
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[04 Nov 2006|09:14pm] |
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mood |
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I really haven't posted anything up here in a while.
My last post was in June. Pre-Australia!
I was thinking about it and I used livejournal back in middle school and then left for xanga but now that I look at it- my xanga entries have been nothing but bitter and negative.
I know that merely moving my outlet will not change how it will come out, but I think I just need a change.
Today's rehearsal went okay.
The potluck beforehand was actually pretty fun. (minus the pizza eating contest. I think I got cheese up my nose when Jessica thrashed her body on my head)
I just really hope we get it together soon because there's only 2 competitions left. It's really the final push and if we end on a great note, it'd be incredible.
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[24 Jun 2006|12:32am] |
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mood |
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music |
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soul decision - faded |
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So it's been pretty busy lately.
I had a burrito sleepover last night with Leslie and Radha and it was soooo nice. But I was exhausted at today's Australia Choir rehearsal. I need to sleep earlier so I can get back onto a regular schedule. 4am was not good.
Went to Starbucks with Stephanie for a bit and emailed 50 million people for Link Crew and Guard stuff.
omg. speaking of guard. I was DYING during last wednesday's practice. We did across the floors for a hot 45 minutes and I felt like I was going to pass out. I mean, everyone was dying because it was so tiring and mother ass hot but man endurance levels are at an all time ZERO.
I'm scared for band camp!
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[18 Jun 2006|10:23pm] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
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Since I didn't update my life as it went along, recap status right here.
Tuesday-Thursday: FINALS = OVER. thank the buddha.
Thursday: hung out w/ Radha until she had to go to SF and then hung out with Marisa and Kristie from 8-1 or something.
Friday: Mall w/ Marisa & Kristie, graduation, dinner + movie @ Matt's
Saturday: lunch, mall, dinner, and movie @ Matt's
Today: cleaned up a bit in my room and then had dinner with Yvonne and Nisha at California Cafe, WHICH had mighty good food.
I'm excited for tomorrow! Australia rehearsallll but then again I have to be interviewed for link crew tomorrow morning, too.
eh. that's it?
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